I've been thinking about some things lately, and they mostly came about after learning recently that my Dad has lung cancer - after 30-some years of smoking is this really shocking? Surprisingly, yes. I was shocked. Mostly I was shocked that, after 6 years of no contact from my dad, and no qualms with that lack of contact, I actually gave a crap. Those of you who know me know that I don't have a great relationship with either of my parents. They're terrible parents, and they struggle with being even just tolerable people. In cutting ties with them I meant to shield K-squared from the unnecessary drama and the eventual let downs that would come from having a relationship with them. And maybe I just didn't want to deal with their crap anymore. Who really knows what motivates a person to do the things they do?
So here we are - it's the beginning of October and we're planning a trip to Oklahoma to see my Dad and his family for Thanksgiving. Sort of a "Last Supper at the Asylum". And I'm looking forward to it. And that shocks me too. Who knows why? Maybe I've been able to look at our past together from a different perspective. Maybe his being sick simply wipes the slate clean. Maybe I've learned over the past few years what being a parent is and should be about, and that perhaps, even as the child here, I have a responsibility (or maybe just desire - who knows?) to help him realize that even as he's dying it's not too late to learn these things as well. Maybe I'm just a masochist.
Anyhow, this is what I've been thinking - I want K-squared to know that their parents love them completely, no strings attached - that they are loved regardless of how smart they are, or how attractive they are, or how competitive they are. I want them to know that we will never leave them, or make them feel responsible for our shortcomings and failures. We will never have to make up for lost time, or make a last ditch effort to have a relationship. I want them to know that they bring us joy, that we are proud of them, that we support them even though we may wince at their choice of...whatever, or whomever, or however - as long as they make that choice for themselves, and not to please someone else. I want them to know that they are the best thing to happen to me, even if they're "done" and need to be wiped.
Maybe this is all they really need to know