calling a spade a spade

A good friend of mine has remarked that I'm a straight-shooter - I say it how it is with little regard for what someone else might say. So here's how it is - I'm an asshole. I recognize this about me; sometimes I embrace it. In my previous line of work this quality was certainly an asset as I didn't get too caught up in feelings - or the preservation thereof - which allowed me to say (and do) what needed to be said (and done). And I don't get too wound up over what is said to me - water off a ducks back - whatever - I don't care. In fact, being called an asshole generally meant I was doing my job - well.
Here is where this is a (recurring) problem - with N, who is a classy woman and who is very adept at saying what she feels needs to be said, I find myself caring a great deal about what is said, by her to me and I instantly become defensive. The reasons for this are several fold: 1) I hate looking like a schmuck - worse I hate being a schmuck and being confronted with my schmuckiness - accountability is not my strong suit (poor parenting - really) - and the reality is that if she is confronting me, she's probably a) in the right, and b) has let whatever "it" is go on for a while and simply can't take it anymore. 2) N is one of a handful of people who's opinion of myself matters, and hers matters most - I hate disappointing her - she is a wonderful mother, a loving wife, and is completely selfless, and constantly gives her best, especially to her family - so it goes without saying that she deserves my best efforts. 3) I have a great deal of pride, and that pride is shaken when I fail to meet expectations, and so when I do fail I get pissy, and I don't want to discuss where, and how, and why I blew it - we all know where, and how, and why - discussing it just makes the feeling of failure greater and more difficult to overcome. There are other reasons I am sure, but the reasons are beside the point. The point is this - I'm not fine with this particular status-quo - I NEED to improve. I need to be accountable. I need to give my best effort to those who love me. I need to reflect on the areas where I blew it - this is where real growth occurs, and frankly, this is where my growth has been stunted.
By writing this, I suppose, I am calling myself out. I am acknowledging the 188 lb. unaccountable pissy elephant in the room, and I am declaring a jihad on it, so that I may become more whole. I need this. N deserves it. And we really don't have the room for an elephant anyway.